“The foundations of social competence that are developed in the first five years are linked to emotional well-being and effect a child’s later ability to functionally adapt in school and to form successful relationships throughout life.”
-National Scientific Council on the Developing Child

Being a coach, whether it's a baseball coach or a soccer coach or an emotion coach, is a really big job.  As a coach, you are expected to teach new skills to learners who may or may not have any of the required prerequisite skills.  Coaching is a challenging job for sure.  It is even more challenging when you think about helping young children develop the skills of emotional regulation.  We assume that children will "just figure out" emotional regulation.  We assume that children can "just behave"... they know better.  Do they?  Are you sure?  If they do, who taught them how to behave?  Was it you?  Someone has to teach these skills...so if it's not you, then who?  Many of our children can't or won't "just figure it out".

Before we can think about coaching, we have to have the skills that are needed to teach.  I mean, it's impossible to teach a skill that you don't have.  You can't teach anyone to play soccer if you don't know something... okay, a lot... about soccer.  I can't teach anyone to fly a plane because I have no idea how to do that!!  This means if you don't know the steps for teaching and developing emotional regulation, it will be challenging for you to teach it to anyone else. And,if you are not good at self-regulation, you may want to let someone else teach this skill to your child.  Just saying...

Helping children develop the skills of emotional regulation is very important. Did you know that most young children only know about 3 emotion words?  Yep, they know mad, sad and happy.  We have to help them to build that emotional vocabulary.  We have to help them understand the difference between mad and frustrated.  We have to help them begin to develop strategies for responding to and managing their emotions.

​Healthy social-emotional development in young children correlates with healthy cognitive development, and, therefore creates a strong foundation for future school achievement.  If we want our children to do well in school, we have to do more than just teach academic skills.  We have to be sure that they are emotionally ready for school as well.  With the current focus on child outcomes and accountability in K-12 education, all aspects of school readiness, including social-emotional health and development should be an area of focus in early childhood. Children with good emotional regulation skills are better able to control impulsive behaviors during emotional distress. Strong social-emotional development is a predictor of later academic, social, and emotional success. 

So... Coach... what can you do to help your child develop strong emotional competency?  Here are a few suggestions:

• With younger children, talk about feelings. Your feelings, their feelings and the feelings of others.  Build an emotional vocabulary!
• Connect the dots for your child: Share your observations about their behavior. Try this: “Whenever ______ happens, you ________”.  Raise the level of self awareness. Avoid being critical... just observe and report. 
• Talk about the physical signs: The nervous system shifts when a trigger is present. Physical changes can be a rapid heartbeat, warm flushed cheeks, rapid breathing, crying, etc. Ask the child what they feel in their body when the trigger occurs.  Help the child "feel" the emotion.  The physical manifestation of the emotion is a very important piece in helping them to manage the behavioral response.  
• Give the child replacement behaviors for the behavioral response.  What can they do with the emotion.  When a child is angry, one of the things that they can do is to hit their friend.  This, however, is not an appropriate response.  Does the child know what to do instead?  Have you given them options that are more appropriate?  This will take time and practice and eventually the child will learn that there are more appropriate alternatives to hitting when they are angry.  You have to show up to coach them through the learning!!
• Be careful what you are allowing children to practice.  You only strengthen a behavior through practice.  If we want children to be better problem solvers and better at emotional regulation, we have to give them opportunities to practice the more appropriate behaviors.  
• Anticipate the behavior and stop it before it starts.  This will minimize the opportunity to practice the behaviors we don't want.  
• Get a plan!  (or two or three)  Plan ahead... and get in there and to the work. 

Come on coach... let's get ready for the big game... the game of life :)

How many of you like to hear the word "NO!"?  My guess is not very many.  Most of us are looking for the YES! It is such a great feeling when someone says "yes" to the question that you've been dying to ask,like "can I have a raise" or "will you marry me"? It is also great when they say "yes" to the simple, easy questions too... you know, like "can you get me a glass of water", or "will you be here for dinner". 

What's really hard to hear is "NO".  No is hard to hear for most of us in most cases.  There are certainly times when we want to hear the word "NO"... but most of the time, it is just something we would rather not hear. For many children, the word "no" is a trigger word.  It triggers behaviors that the adults don't want to see.  It can trigger crying, aggression, tantrums, meltdowns and a whole host of other undesirable behaviors. To be honest, I try very hard not to use the word "no".

Now, don't get me wrong, I believe that children should hear the word "no".  There are times when it is very appropriate and very needed.  If a child is going to touch a hot stove... "NO" is very needed.  If a child is going to bite another person, and very loud "NO" is needed.  Here's the thing... I need "NO" to work.  I need "NO" to get the child's attention.  For that reason, I try not to overuse "no".  I have found that it is much more effective if I limit its use.  

There are emotions attached to "yes" and "no".  In most cases, "yes' leaves us feeling positive and motivated.  "No" can leave us feeling misunderstood and disappointed.  "Yes" makes a child want to keep trying and helps to develop grit. "No" can make the child feel like you don't want to hear their ideas or don't understand what they are asking.  If we want to increase positive emotions and positive reactions, we have to work harder at saying "yes".  

Well... easier said than done, right?  Not really.  It's actually not as hard as you might think.  For me, more times than not, I use what I call a conditional "yes".  This means that the "yes" is tied to something else, another behavior or an expectation.  The conditional "yes" is less likely to trigger an inappropriate response and more likely to increase a positive attitude and a compliant response from the child.  Starting with "yes" instead of "no" can change everything :)
​
Here are a couple of examples:

Child: "can I have a snack now?"
Parent: "No... you haven't washed your hands"
                          OR
Child: "can I have snack now?"
Parent: "yes, as soon as you wash your hands"

Child:  "can I have a cookie?"
Parent: "no, you haven't finished your dinner"
                           OR
Child: "can I have a cookie?"
Parent: "yes, as soon as you finish your dinner"

It really is the same thing. The hard part is making the change in the way we communicate with our children.  We are just so used to saying "no".  Give it a try... let me know if you notice a difference.  I sure do.   

​

en·cour·age (n-kûrj, -kr-)
1. To inspire with hope, courage, or confidence; hearten.
2. To give support to; foster.
3. To stimulate; spur

praise (prz), n.
1. Expression of approval, commendation, or admiration.
2. The extolling or exaltation of a deity, ruler, or hero.
3. Archaic A reason for praise; merit.

We all want our children to have a good attitude and a cheerful disposition.  Wouldn’t it be great if this was the case all of the time?  I mean if our kids were never grumpy and always cooperative?  Well, let’s be serious, that ain’t happening.  However, there are some things that we can do to help our children be more positive and more willing to work with us instead of against us. 

When I an education student and was learning how to be a teacher, my professors always told me to praise my students as much as I could and to be sure the praise was specific.  I am sure this is not new information for many of you.  So, being the good student that I am, I listened carefully and put into practice everything I was taught.  I was the specific praise queen.

It wasn’t until many years later that I had a shift in thinking.  What I realized is that we, as a culture, really over praise.  We use too much praise and not enough encouragement. 

Thinking about this, I have to ask myself a serious question. Do I want to encourage competition or build cooperation? Let’s be honest, a little (healthy) completion is good… It can be a great motivator and when children learn that they can always win, they may be inclined to work or little harder or they will try something else. Teaching children how to be good sports is an important life lesson.  Bottom line… competition is real and most children are already competitive to some degree… they don’t need us to encourage competition. With that being said, it becomes more important for us to build a cooperative spirit in our children.  Teaching children to cooperate will help them throughout life. 

So, how can we support cooperation and minimize competition. Easy…we can use more encouragement and less praise. 

Wait... What?  Am I saying that you should reduce the amount of praise that you give your child? Yep, that’s exactly what I’m saying.  Honestly, we all need to be praised from time to time.  We all need to hear how wonderful we are.  Having your efforts praised feels good! So let’s look at this a bit closer.

Here’s what we know about praise and encouragement. 

• One of the main differences between praise and encouragement is that praise often comes paired with a judgment or evaluation. It makes the adult the final judge and jury… It’s all about the adult’s opinion. And that’s great if the child is a “pleaser”, but if not, your efforts are lost.It won’t work with children who “don’t care what you think”.
• Praise usually end with “est”… cutest, smartest, fastest, quietest, tallest, and funniest, etc. This will encourage competition for sure… “Wow, you are the quietest walker”.  “Hey, what about me?  I’m a quiet walker too!!”. Boom… competition.
• Praise focuses on the “actor” rather than the “act”. “You are the best at cleaning up the blocks”
• Praise focus on the product rather than the process. “You look so handsome in that suit”
• Praise sets the adult as the standard by which everything is judged. It can be discouraging for those not receiving it. Failure to earn praise is often interpreted as criticism.
  

An alternative to praise is encouragement. It refers to a positive acknowledgment response that focuses on a child’s efforts or specific attributes of work completed. Unlike praise, encouragement does not place judgment on a child’s efforts or give information regarding its value. Encouragement is specific to what the child is doing…the “act”.  Encouragement lets the child know that he/she is on the right track and is moving in the right direction.  Encouragement focuses on supporting the steps (process) it takes to get to the end (product). 

• Encouragement is specific.  “You colored that picture and used lots of colors in your crayon box.  You worked on it for almost an hour.”
• Encouragement is focused on the child’s feelings, not the adult’s. “You seem so proud of yourself!  You didn’t think you could get it all done, but you did!”
• Encouragement focuses on the effort, not the outcome.  “I was watching you and I saw that you were really concentrating.  You stayed focused even though there were a lot distractions.”
• Encouragement is based in reality.  “You have come a long way.  You weren’t able to read as many words last week”

 
Praise is important as long as it is genuine praise.  Genuine praise is the loving words that arise spontaneously and warmly from the parent's heart, without the thought of manipulating or controlling a child's behavior.  All of our children need to hear genuine praise. 
I believe that encouragement is more important…we have to help children know that they are on the right track, keep moving in a positive direction and try again when they are ready to give up. 

Encourage as much as you can...and praise from the heart!
 
 

Is that a real question?!?  Okay... let's assume for a moment that it is a real question.  Then the answer is an unequivocal YES! 

Here are a few facts:
“The foundations of social competence that are developed in the first five years are linked to emotional well-being and effect a child’s later ability to functionally adapt in school and to form successful relationships throughout life.”
"When children learn to interact effectively with their peers and control their emotions, it can have an enormous impact on how their adult lives take shape."
"—Healthy social-emotional development in young children correlates with healthy cognitive development, and, therefore creates a strong foundation for future school achievement."

Bottom Line... Social Skills Matter...a lot!

As a society, we place a tremendous amount of value on good grades and high test scores.  It is believed that academic success with lead to adult success... good grades and high test scores will get our children into the best colleges and help them in their careers.  This, of course, will lead to a life filled with happiness. Honestly, good grades and high test scores don't hurt; however, we must help our children to develop social competence.  What we know for sure is that strong social-emotional development is a predictor of later academic, social, and emotional success.

​It is unfortunate that we do not spend more time on helping children to develop these much needed skills. They are, after all, skills.  You know...skills.  Like math skills, and reading skills and language skills, and baseball skills and football skills and soccer skills.  They all have to be taught... by someone...like a coach. Yes, a social coach.  What a great idea!

We don't really "teach" social skills in school; we just punish the child who doesn't have the   We do, however,  assume that by the time a child enters school in kindergarten, they have the necessary social skills... they can self regulate, communicate their wants and needs, and that they are flexible in their thinking.  This is a faulty assumption.  Far too many children do NOT have the skills needed to be successful in school.  Positive social-emotional growth builds the communication skills necessary for learning throughout a child’s life.

Some social-emotional skills that support school readiness are:
—Confidence – A child will be able to participate in child-directed play  
—Curiosity – A child will take interest in the world outside of themselves
—Intentionality – A child will be able to take the initiative in activities
—Self-Control – A child will be able to sit calmly and listen to a story
—Empathy – A child will show concern for a hurt or upset friend
—Problem Solving– A child will be able to work through conflict with peers
—Cooperativeness – A child will be able to fully participate in a group activity

The results of a new study show that when children have strong social skills and can interact effectively with their peers and manage their emotions, the impact on their adult lives is tremendous.  
The study measured the social skills of 800 kindergartners in 1991 and them tracked them down 20 years later to see if the social skills really mattered.  Guess what? Social Skills matter. 
Here's what the researchers found:

1. The test scores matter, but for different reasons.  What they found is that many times the child with the great test scores and good grades get them because they can work with a study partner to understand the problem, or that they have the skills to ask the teacher for extra help or they can resist the distraction of video games or TV and focus on studying for a test.  
2. The ability to share and turn take pay off later.  Children who can get along with their peers and self-regulate are better at solving problems and will do better as adults.  It just makes sense that a child who struggles with peer relationships and self- regulation is going to have challenges with rule-following in the future...that usually doesn't end well.
3. Social skills can be taught, learned and unlearned.  We need to take the time to TEACH children the social skills that they need.  We also have to be the model.  Our children are watching us.  How are your social skills?  

Here's what I know for sure. Neglecting  social skills education in our schools...including (especially) in our preschools, could have serious ramifications for our children.  

“If a child doesn’t know how to read, we teach.
 If a child doesn't know how to swim, we teach.
 If a child doesn’t know how to multiply, we teach.
 If a child doesn’t know how to drive, we teach.
 If a child doesn’t know how to behave, we…..
  …..teach? 
  …..punish?
Why can’t we finish the last sentence as automatically as we do the others?”

Tom Herner (NASDE President) Counterpoint 1998, p. 2