How many of you like to hear the word "NO!"? My guess is not very many. Most of us are looking for the YES! It is such a great feeling when someone says "yes" to the question that you've been dying to ask,like "can I have a raise" or "will you marry me"? It is also great when they say "yes" to the simple, easy questions too... you know, like "can you get me a glass of water", or "will you be here for dinner".
What's really hard to hear is "NO". No is hard to hear for most of us in most cases. There are certainly times when we want to hear the word "NO"... but most of the time, it is just something we would rather not hear. For many children, the word "no" is a trigger word. It triggers behaviors that the adults don't want to see. It can trigger crying, aggression, tantrums, meltdowns and a whole host of other undesirable behaviors. To be honest, I try very hard not to use the word "no".
Now, don't get me wrong, I believe that children should hear the word "no". There are times when it is very appropriate and very needed. If a child is going to touch a hot stove... "NO" is very needed. If a child is going to bite another person, and very loud "NO" is needed. Here's the thing... I need "NO" to work. I need "NO" to get the child's attention. For that reason, I try not to overuse "no". I have found that it is much more effective if I limit its use.
There are emotions attached to "yes" and "no". In most cases, "yes' leaves us feeling positive and motivated. "No" can leave us feeling misunderstood and disappointed. "Yes" makes a child want to keep trying and helps to develop grit. "No" can make the child feel like you don't want to hear their ideas or don't understand what they are asking. If we want to increase positive emotions and positive reactions, we have to work harder at saying "yes".
Well... easier said than done, right? Not really. It's actually not as hard as you might think. For me, more times than not, I use what I call a conditional "yes". This means that the "yes" is tied to something else, another behavior or an expectation. The conditional "yes" is less likely to trigger an inappropriate response and more likely to increase a positive attitude and a compliant response from the child. Starting with "yes" instead of "no" can change everything :)
Here are a couple of examples:
Child: "can I have a snack now?"
Parent: "No... you haven't washed your hands"
OR
Child: "can I have snack now?"
Parent: "yes, as soon as you wash your hands"
Child: "can I have a cookie?"
Parent: "no, you haven't finished your dinner"
OR
Child: "can I have a cookie?"
Parent: "yes, as soon as you finish your dinner"
It really is the same thing. The hard part is making the change in the way we communicate with our children. We are just so used to saying "no". Give it a try... let me know if you notice a difference. I sure do.
What's really hard to hear is "NO". No is hard to hear for most of us in most cases. There are certainly times when we want to hear the word "NO"... but most of the time, it is just something we would rather not hear. For many children, the word "no" is a trigger word. It triggers behaviors that the adults don't want to see. It can trigger crying, aggression, tantrums, meltdowns and a whole host of other undesirable behaviors. To be honest, I try very hard not to use the word "no".
Now, don't get me wrong, I believe that children should hear the word "no". There are times when it is very appropriate and very needed. If a child is going to touch a hot stove... "NO" is very needed. If a child is going to bite another person, and very loud "NO" is needed. Here's the thing... I need "NO" to work. I need "NO" to get the child's attention. For that reason, I try not to overuse "no". I have found that it is much more effective if I limit its use.
There are emotions attached to "yes" and "no". In most cases, "yes' leaves us feeling positive and motivated. "No" can leave us feeling misunderstood and disappointed. "Yes" makes a child want to keep trying and helps to develop grit. "No" can make the child feel like you don't want to hear their ideas or don't understand what they are asking. If we want to increase positive emotions and positive reactions, we have to work harder at saying "yes".
Well... easier said than done, right? Not really. It's actually not as hard as you might think. For me, more times than not, I use what I call a conditional "yes". This means that the "yes" is tied to something else, another behavior or an expectation. The conditional "yes" is less likely to trigger an inappropriate response and more likely to increase a positive attitude and a compliant response from the child. Starting with "yes" instead of "no" can change everything :)
Here are a couple of examples:
Child: "can I have a snack now?"
Parent: "No... you haven't washed your hands"
OR
Child: "can I have snack now?"
Parent: "yes, as soon as you wash your hands"
Child: "can I have a cookie?"
Parent: "no, you haven't finished your dinner"
OR
Child: "can I have a cookie?"
Parent: "yes, as soon as you finish your dinner"
It really is the same thing. The hard part is making the change in the way we communicate with our children. We are just so used to saying "no". Give it a try... let me know if you notice a difference. I sure do.
My Favorite Word
by Lucia and James L. Hymes, Jr.
There is one word –
My favorite –
The very, very best.
It isn’t No or Maybe.
It’s Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, YES!
“Yes, yes, you may,” and
“Yes, of course,” and
“Yes, please help yourself.”
And when I want a piece of cake,
“Why, yes. It’s on the shelf.”
Some candy? “Yes.”
A cookie? “Yes.”
A movie? “Yes, we’ll go.”
I love it when they say my word:
Yes, Yes, YES! (Not No.)
by Lucia and James L. Hymes, Jr.
There is one word –
My favorite –
The very, very best.
It isn’t No or Maybe.
It’s Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, YES!
“Yes, yes, you may,” and
“Yes, of course,” and
“Yes, please help yourself.”
And when I want a piece of cake,
“Why, yes. It’s on the shelf.”
Some candy? “Yes.”
A cookie? “Yes.”
A movie? “Yes, we’ll go.”
I love it when they say my word:
Yes, Yes, YES! (Not No.)
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